We are more educated today than ever before.  Or are we?  Basic social graces that used to be taught in the home as “proper manners” have fallen by the wayside as parents began working more, spending less time with their children, eating out, and eating in front of the television.

As a result, I’m finding that many women today either feel ill at ease in formal dining situations, or even turn down invitations that could further their careers because they know they lack the proper skills and knowledge to make a good impression.  This article’s purpose is to clue you in on what is acceptable behavior in formal settings and what to do when those around you haven’t a clue.

Etiquette in its purest sense is about making others feel comfortable, so it is never appropriate to point out someone else’s mistakes.  Knowing proper etiquette, on the other hand, is very empowering because you can relax, be yourself, and know you’re making a good impression.

Since dining situations can be casual, formal, or anything in between, this article will focus on formal settings.  (I may make mention of exceptions to rules where I feel appropriate.)  Most of us can figure out what to do in less formal situations, especially if we know how to properly handle ourselves in the most formal of settings.

Table Setting and Utensils

Always start from the outside and work your way in, and up.  Forks will be on the left, knives and spoons on the right, with the exception of the cocktail fork, which is on the outmost right side.  For a full, seven-course meal, you will have three forks on your left:  If fish is being served as the first course, the fish fork will be the farthest on the left.  The dinner fork, which is always the largest, will be in the middle, and the salad fork will be closest to your plate because salad is served after the main course. The dessert spoon and fork will be above the dinner plate. The seven-course meal typically includes a seafood cocktail, soup, fish, sorbet (for cleansing the palate), the main course, salad, and dessert.   Courses will be served in the order of utensils. 

Taking Your Seat

The hostess is to direct everyone to their proper seat. Gentlemen are to seat the women, seating the woman to the right first, then the woman to his left.  However, if your man seems clueless, by all means, don’t stand there waiting and clearing your throat.  Seat yourself.  Remember, never correct anyone, especially in front of others.  If, on the other hand, you are seated to a man’s left and merely must wait for him to seat the woman to his right, then by all means, wait. 

Your napkin should be picked up with your left hand and opened on your lap, under the table.  Dinner napkins should be folded in half with the fold toward your body.  Lunch napkins should be opened fully since they are smaller.  Remember to blot your mouth, don’t wipe.

Proper Table Etiquette

The three serving styles are American, English, and French.  In American style, all food is placed on the plate for you and will be served from your left.  The plate will be taken up from your right.

In English style, the waiter serves you.  You may politely refuse any food you know you do not like.  (If you have any food allergies, inform the hostess ahead of time whenever possible.)

In French style, you serve yourself using a serving spoon and fork.  Take the serving spoon, facing down, with one hand and the serving fork, tines up, with your other hand.  The spoon should be on top to push the food onto the fork, then lift the food onto your plate.  Be considerate of others when choosing portion sizes.

The two acceptable styles of eating are American and Continental.  In American style, the fork is held in the left hand, tines down, to secure the food that is being cut.  The knife is place back on the plate with the blade facing in, the top at the 12:00 position, the handle at the 4:00 position.  The fork is then transferred to the right hand, tines up.  When resting between bites, your knife goes in the 4:20 position with your fork tines down overlapping it in the 8:40 position.  Place your hands on your lap while resting.

With Continental style, the fork is always held in the left hand, never transferred to the right.  There is no need to place your hands on your lap, however, remember to keep your elbows close to your body when using this style.

If you have both a dessert spoon and a fork, use the spoon to cut the food and push the food onto the fork.

Salt and pepper should always be passed together.  Never reach across the table or in front of someone for an item.  Instead, ask the person closest to it to pass it to you.  Items should be passed from person to person, not handed across the table or in front of someone.  Bread should be passed counterclockwise around the table. A small pat of butter should be taken from the butter tray and placed on your bread plate.

The proper way to eat bread is to break off a small piece and butter just that piece.  It is unacceptable, in a formal setting, to butter an entire roll all at once, or while it is resting in the palm of your hand.

While you are eating soup, the spoon is to be placed on the charger, (or “under plate” as it is sometimes called), in between spoonfuls, and when you are finished.

When eating pasta in a formal setting, twirl in onto your fork until you’ve gathered a small enough portion to place in your mouth gracefully.  Do not use a spoon.

In a formal setting, you will never eat chicken with your hands, nor wipe up extra sauce with your bread. (You may do so in informal settings, but please spear the bread with your fork first.)

Taste your food before seasoning it, as this is a proper courtesy to the chef.  Never cut more than one bite of food at a time.  Refrain from placing your elbows on the table at any time.  While it is acceptable to place elbows on table if all eating has stopped, it is best not to develop the habit at all.

Do not gulp or chew loudly; refrain from making any noise while eating.  This includes scraping your knife or fork across your plate, as well as talking and eating at the same time.

Sit up straight.  Don’t play with your hair.  If you need to leave the table, excuse yourself and gently place your napkin, unfolded, on your chair.

If you end up with an olive or cherry pit in your mouth, it is acceptable to discretely remove it with your fingers and place it onto your plate.  In the case of gristle, discretely bring your napkin to your mouth, discard the gristle, and then discretely place your napkin back in your lap.  Obviously, protect your clothing by leaving the gristle surrounded by napkin.

When you are finished, put your knife and fork together side by side in the 4:20 position.  This indicates that you are done.  Never push your plate away from you.

You may get up when the hostess signals that the meal is over.  A proper hostess will do so by placing her napkin to the left of her plate, by getting up, or by offering her guests coffee or after dinner drinks in another room.  Be sure to push in your chair.

Proper Social Skills

It is your responsibility to speak to the two people on either side of you, and to attempt to carry on a conversation.  Never exclude anyone.  If you see that someone is shy or reserved, make it a point to include them whenever possible.  It is your duty, as a guest, to provide pleasant dinner conversation and make everyone feel comfortable.  Any topic that excludes others is inappropriate.  Make eye contact as much as possible.

Always R.S.V.P. (which means, “Please respond”) by the date given and for the appropriate number of guests.  Do not show up at a formal gathering with more guests than your invitation extended, and if a member of your party needs to cancel, give the hostess as much notice as possible.

When in doubt about what to wear, call the hostess and ask.

There is nothing fashionable about being late.  If you must be more than 10 minutes late, due to an unforeseen circumstance, call the hostess to let her know you are on your way and to apologize.

When you are invited to someone’s house for dinner, bring a small “hostess” gift to show your appreciation.  A bouquet of flowers or bottle of wine is always appropriate.  If you know the hostess well, you may bring an item of a more personal nature that you know she would like.

If you have forgotten someone’s name and you are in the company of a third person, thereby requiring an introduction, introduce the person whose name you know to the person whose name you have forgotten.  That person should introduce him or herself to them, thereby relieving you of an embarrassing situation.  If you find yourself in the position of being the one whose name is temporarily forgotten, don’t make a big deal about it.  Simply state your name and be polite.  After all, it happens to all of us on occasion and is not a reflection on you or an insult.

In business as well as many social settings, it is expected to shake the hand of everyone you meet.  When you do so, be firm, but gentle, and make sure the web portion between your thumb and index finger meets theirs.  In some settings, a social kiss is considered appropriate.  When in doubt, shake hands first and allow the person’s body language to indicate if a kiss is okay.

You should send a thank-you note, e-mail, or call the very next day after a formal dinner party.

If you must take a cell phone call during a social event, excuse yourself and step outside.  Do not carry on a cell phone conversation at the dinner table.

I hope these tips and guidelines will help you feel more confident at your next formal event.

Learning proper etiquette will instill confidence in yourself, and dramatically improves others’ perception of you.  It is just one more way of taking control of your future and your life.

Posted under Education, Leadership