Are you suffering from this disease:  I-want-this-but-if-I-can’t-have-it-right-now-forget-it–itis? 

Well, it is Christmastime, after all.  Isn’t that what Christmas is all about?  Wishing for something, telling your friends what you’d like to receive as gifts and then getting everything you want a month or so later?

Don’t worry.  This is not going to be a lecture about the true meaning of Christmas; there are plenty of places all over the web where you can get that.  Instead, I want to reflect on how we teach our children some very dire habits during this season.  Maybe your household is different, but here is how things went when I was growing up.

About a month, maybe two, before “the big day,” my friends, teachers, extended family, and parents would start asking me what I wanted for Christmas.  It started with Santa Clause:  “What do you want Santa to bring you for Christmas?”  Then it moved into, “Santa will bring you toys, we will get you other stuff, what do you want?”  Then it became; “We give each other gifts to show how much we love each other and to celebrate the birth of Jesus – God’s greatest gift to the world/mankind.”

Have you ever stopped to think about the paradigm this sets up – in all of us?  Let me explain.

A few weeks ago when my book came out in print, I gave a copy to a mother and her response was, “Great!  I remember you talking about this and wondered what ever happened – I just thought you gave up on it.”

Now, I had told my mother when I finished the book and when it became available as an e-book, and that I was working on self-publishing.  I know she didn’t understand all of that but here’s my point:  When the book didn’t materialize in the 2-3 months she perceived it would take to write, edit, and publish a book, she thought I’d given up on the idea.  Why?  Because that tends to be about how long she gives something to materialize.  Then, upon reflection of this, I realized that’s about how long a lot of my family, friends, associates, and acquaintances give a new idea.  In fact, this way of thinking seems to be running rampant among almost everyone I know and it’s as detrimental to one’s success as a disease.

When I started to ponder where this attitude comes from, it just happened to be around Thanksgiving.  That’s when it occurred to me that this whole concept of writing a letter to Santa and having things gloriously arrive under the tree is sending the wrong message to our youth, and , many of us grew up with that way of thinking:  Wish for it for a month or two, and you’ll get it.  If not, you’ll just have to wait until next year and by that time, you’ve moved on to wanting something else.  I call it, “I-want-this-but-if-I-can’t-have-it-right-now-forget-it—itis.”

You will know that you have this ailment if you frequently give up on your goals.  If you set deadlines and, when you don’t meet them, you change the goal to something less than what you truly want.  In other words, if you catch yourself settling for the next best thing in most areas of your life, you’re infected.

So how do you overcome it?  Here’s my 7-step cure.

1. Stop setting deadlines.  There is no December 25 when it comes to getting what you really, really, really want out of life.  Most goal-setting teachers will tell you to always set a deadline to your goal.  That’s okay unless the deadline is bumming you out.  Big dreams may take a while to materialize.  Unless you know exactly when you’re going to die, there’s no point in setting a deadline to your life’s purpose.�
    

2. Don’t expect someone else to deliver.  Most of the time, what we truly want is self-actualized.  Think about it for a minute.  Aren’t the things you’ve worked hardest for some of your proudest accomplishments?  There’s a great deal of satisfaction in earning something yourself.  Even children know this.  The baseball glove that your child “earns” by doing chores around the house will mean more to him or her, and they will take care of it better than the one Santa brings.  They worked for it, they earned it, they appreciate it, and they understand the value of it.  They are proud of it, and for good reason.  Take a moment to reflect on similar situations in your own life.
    

3. If you’ve really got this bad, in other words, you’re never reaching goals; you’re constantly settling for less, do this:  Stop accepting gifts.  Really.  Don’t take anything this Christmas, accept nothing for you birthday – just start saying, “I create my own happiness.  I do not need material things from others to feel worthy.”  Now, a lot of my spirituality cohorts are going to say, “But, Debra, accepting good into your life is part of the cycle of giving and receiving.”  Yes, if you’re at that level.  But some people take and take and take, and give only out of obligation, and never learn to give to themselves.  They get into this cycle of “I have to tell others what I want and hope they will bring it to me.”  Have you ever been Christmas shopping and saw something you’d really like to have but said, “Oh, I can’t buy that for myself, it would be too selfish.  I can only have what other people decide to give me for Christmas.  Besides, it would blow my budget since I have so many gifts to buy for everyone else.”  Then what happens?  Every gift you get that year is a disappointment.  Guess why?  No one can read your mind!  Then, you resent the fact that you spent so much on everyone else getting them what they said they wanted when you got nothing but a Goodwill pile.  When you start to give to yourself in a positive way, and give to others because you want to, things will start to line up for you and you will begin to receive what you truly want – from others and yourself.
    

4. Create a list of things you will purchase in the next year for yourself.  Give yourself one gift every month, and plan them now.  If you’re living on a budget, start with a pack of gum – something fun and delicious – just make it something you’ll look forward to.  You can always change them if you want to, but decide now what you want next November, knowing that you’re going to have to wait until then to purchase it.  Practice delayed gratification.  The principle here is this:  Between now and November, you know that this really fantastic thing is on its way, you just have to wait. It’s coming, it will be here, it will materialize, and you know all of this, so you’re going to be joyous in the waiting.  Choose something really fun for that far away, but choose something for every month.�
    

5. Keep a list of these items and add to it as you think of something.  Before long, you’ll start setting “fun” goals for two years away or more.  Some things you’ll have to follow step #1 and not set a deadline because you don’t know when you’ll be able to do it, but the fun is in the wanting and in seeing how long it takes to get it.
    

6. Start a separate journal where you track how you feel along the way to your accomplishments.  Didn’t have the money to fulfill one this month?  What happened?  How do you feel about it?  What are you going to do about it?  Brainstorm ways to get back on track.  Say to your higher self, “I wonder how I could make up for this?  I wonder how I could get caught up with my fun gifts to myself.”  Listen.  The answers will come.
    

7. Be playful and easy about it.  Did you ever throw a fit when you were little over not getting something you wanted?  Or were you the type who got depressed and decided that no one loved you – not even Santa Clause?  Not even your own parents?  I remember throwing pity parties like that.  See, that’s what happens when your happiness depends on what someone else does or gives you.  Accept responsibility for your own happiness, your own gifts, your own toys, and your own pleasure. 

You can overcome “I-want-this-but-if-I-can’t-have-it-right-now-forget-it—itis”, you just have to want it, and be willing to wait for it.  The joy really is in the journey.

Until next time,

Have a Very Merry Christmas!

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