A couple of nights ago as we were sitting down to dinner, my husband and I both jumped up at the same time to turn off the oven timer that was still beeping every 60 seconds.  I had to laugh at the situation because we almost bumped heads getting to it.  It reminded me how much the two of us have in common.

Then I went on to think about how often people in long-term relationships of all kinds fail to focus on what they share in common.  Instead, they focus on their differences until, all too often, those differences become irreconcilable.

For example, let’s examine the dynamic relationship of two co-workers in a dental office.  When they meet, everything starts out great.  They find out they share many similar likes and dislikes, they had similar upbringings, they live in similar neighborhoods, they have similar lives.  But after a few weeks, their differences start to surface.  The two have conflicting opinions about this, that, and the other.  What happens next? 

Frequently, the relationship becomes strained because we refuse to go beyond the focus of ourselves and our own needs.  If we would realize that everyone in this world is alike in many ways and different in many ways, and that it is those similarities and differences that draw us together in the first place, we would experience much greater harmony in every aspect of our lives.

People who have difficulty getting along with others usually have developed a bad habit of choosing to focus on their dissimilarities with everyone in their lives and everyone they meet.  The good news is that bad habits can be changed.  It requires effort and self-discipline, but it can be done.

So how do you go about changing this habit if you know you are guilty of it?  First, surround yourself with people who do get along well with others and have successful relationships.  Observe what they do (how they interact with others) and how they think.  What you will find is that these people choose to focus on what they have in common with others, and view differences as unique opportunities to either open their minds, or open the minds of others.  People who get along with others realize that there is always more than one right way for doing just about everything.  More importantly, they don’t feel that everyone in the world should be just like them.

Let me give you another personal example.  My husband and I get along really well.  Do we agree on everything?  No.  I’m a Republican; he’s a democrat.  Actually, he’s “an independent,” which to me is nothing; if you’re not a Republican, you’re a democrat, there is nothing else – but that’s another blog.  We disagree on plenty of issues, but agree on many more.  Do I think he should be more like me and vice versa?  Sometimes, but not ultimately.  We each have our own set of strengths and weaknesses and luckily seem to realize those in each other.  But here’s my point:  If we chose to focus on the things in which we disagree, we could fight constantly. 

If you were a Seinfeld fan, recall for a moment George’s parents:  Two characters who were relentlessly picking on each others’ faults.  Although the show writers exaggerated the relationship for the purpose of effect, we all know people and couples who interact this way.  That’s why the dynamic was created for the show in the first place – to poke fun at this type of people.  Watch a rerun of The Jeffersons sometime and you’ll really see this point!  Situation comedies mimic, in an exaggerated way, real life. 

When you catch yourself behaving like a sitcom character, stop!  Change your behavior to change your thinking and change your thinking to change your behavior.  You have to approach this from both the mental and behavioral angles.  When you catch yourself looking for yet another way in which you don’t agree with someone, stop!  Think to yourself instead, “What do we have in common?”  Then ask a question about that.  It could go something like this:

You have two children and she has two children.  You ask, “How are Bobby and Susie doing in school?”  She shares with you that one child is struggling with something.  You respond with, “You know, my Erin had that same problem last year.  Why don’t we have coffee after work and I’ll tell you what we did to help her with that?”

Bam – you’re relationship with this person is back on track.

Try something like this with your spouse:  When he or she shares with you that they’re too tired to fix supper, instead of your usual, “You’re always tired.  You need to start taking vitamins or exercising or something.”  Say instead, “I can understand that, I’m tired after working all day too.  Why don’t we order a pizza tonight?” 

Yes, you have to put forth a little effort; but isn’t a successful relationship worth it?

Thanks for reading today.  I’d love to hear from you.  What ways have you found to get along with others?  You can comment by clicking the “No Comments” link below.

Posted under Education, Inspiration, Leadership, Motivation