I had a “defining moment” the other day that I’d like to share with you.

My husband is purchasing a new life insurance policy and when the representative came to take the application, he asked me, “Debra, do you work outside the home?”  I found myself confused by the question.  I mean, I work from my home.  I am a motivational speaker, writer, trainer, and consultant; I also consider myself a full-time blogger.  My office is in my home, but I do go out to conduct seminars, workshops, deliver keynote speeches, perform consulting services, etc.  So, I do work outside the home, but my main office is inside the home.  Which answer was he seeking? 

Then, I realized that what this gentleman was asking, trying to be politically correct, was, “do you work?”

This caused me to raise the question, “Are gender roles changing, or do they even exist any more?”   We are living in a new generation.  Women are becoming more and more self-sufficient and traditional gender roles have shifted to the point that married couples now share everything from household chores to income earning.  Several years ago while living in Lexington, Kentucky I knew several couples who had “reversed roles;”  the husband/father worked part-time or from home and saw to the daily activities of the children, while the wife/mother worked full-time in a high-paying position.  I suppose this was the start of my blurred vision.

So what does this mean for women leaders who are becoming self-sufficient and trying to achieve autonomy?  Really, just three things.

One, you’re going to have to cut people some slack until they “wise up.”  Two, you’re going to need some help “around the house” if you want to keep things clean and organized.  (And who doesn’t?) Three, you’re going to have to educate people on exactly how you spend your days if you desire their respect.

Once I realized what the insurance representative was asking, I simply took the opportunity to pitch my 60-second commercial.  He and his associate, (his son-in-law), both took several business cards and who knows, maybe something will come of it.  After I explained what I do, they were so impressed that we all just sort of forgot about the whole “do you work” thing.  In other words, I used the situation to my advantage and moved on.  I didn’t let it bother me and why should I?  After all, he is clueless to the fact that I work 50-60 hours per week, love every minute of it, and that my husband shares the day-to-day living chores of keeping house.

Yes, you read that correctly.  While I do most of the cooking, it’s simply because I love to cook.  Other chores, my husband and I split according to who has the time.  I did recently take over cleaning the house after letting my housekeeper go, but there were reasons for that.  My husband does an excellent job of helping me keep the house clean and knows that if something goes unattended, it’s because I’ve been working – either in my office, or off-site. 

If you are working full-time and as many hours as your spouse, there is no reason whatsoever that you should be expected to maintain the home by yourself.  However, I see women who try to do this every day.  Why?  Stop it!  It doesn’t matter if he makes more money than you do right now – that could be a temporary situation.  If you work the same number of hours, he should put in the same number of hours at home as well.  How do you get your husband to do that?  Well, I know of one woman who let his laundry go until he had to learn to do it himself.  Some women refuse to cook, thinking that if he has to shell out more money for eating out he’ll start helping out.  (That is effective according to where you live.  If he can eat out for an entire week without eating at the same place twice, he’ll opt for eating out rather than chipping in – so be careful when you try to apply this technique – how big is your town?)

Another option is to hire someone to come into your home and clean once or twice per week.  If you have the expendable income, I highly recommend this option.  It would give you both more time to relax, enjoy each other, and spend time with your children if applicable.  It also eliminates all debates over who’s going to do what.  Each of you can choose chores you enjoy, like cooking for me, and assign the rest to your paid help.  The main point is, it is no longer the woman’s responsibility to do all of the housekeeping.  If you want to do it and take on that responsibility, that’s fine.  But don’t feel obligated and don’t let traditional gender roles make you feel guilty.

Lastly, if you feel that people are belittling you because of the old adage, “Out of sight, out of mind,” remind them of what you do every day.  I have a friend who, after giving birth to her second child, decided to work two days from home per week.  Her reasoning was that she got so much more work done when she worked from home that it would help with her overall schedule.  She owns her own business, a very successful training company, so she is definitely within her rights to make such a decision.  After a couple of months, you can probably imagine some of the snide remarks that were made, (out of jealousy), about her decision.  Her employees started telling clients that Tuesdays and Thursdays were her days off, and that she was not to be interrupted. (!) Needless to say, once she found out, she was furious.  She called everyone into her office and gave them a rundown of her schedule and task lists for Tuesdays and Thursdays.  Problem solved.

This problem can also happen for a woman who works “outside the home.”  Many times, your spouse does not understand what you do and how stressful your job is and therefore, undermines it.  “You’re just a dental assistant for pity’s sake, how hard can that be?”  Educate him.

As someone who has worked in several office settings and from home, I can tell you that I get about the same amount of work accomplished at home, as I used to in a corporate environment;  sometimes more, but at least the same.  I have the same interruptions and work “blockages” that I had in an office setting.  But I certainly don’t work any less, and when I have an unproductive day, I’m just as upset as if I’d had an unproductive day “at the office.”

When my husband comes home from his office in the evening, we share our “war stories” of the day.  He knows I work, I know I work, and my clients know I work.  When you’re a motivational speaker, people tend to think the only time you work is when they see you working – which probably isn’t very often. I’m sure there are other jobs that are the same way.  If you’re in that situation, it may be helpful to know that it’s happened to the best of us.  Les Brown often recounts a story of visiting his family for the holidays and his mother saying to him in front of everyone, “Les, I talked to your former manager at Sears and he said he could probably get you your job back if you wanted it.” 

Les’ point is that you’ve got to believe in yourself even when no one else does. And that’s a very important point to remember when you’re a woman leader.

Posted under Leadership, Motivation